12 days, 12 relationship skills (part 3)

February 25, 2018


Part 3 of the 12 Days, 12 Relationship Skills series from January. Catch up on part 1 & part 2!


This last part will explore:



The Sight 👀



Enjoy! 💖

Day 9 - Patience


Everything takes time; how we deal with that fact makes all the difference.

Today's topic is an ode to time and its challenges, both in and out of a relationship.

Patience means accepting the present state of things and trusting that things will change in due time. Being patient gives us peace of mind, even when the outside may not be matching our ideal.
For those who are single & looking:


It takes time to find people you're attracted to, who you click with & share core values with... And that's okay.


It may feel frustrating and lonely at times, but in being single you have a beautiful, clear platform to explore & enhance your relationship with yourself without distractions.


As you grow in self love, you will also be creating a solid foundation for a strong relationship to flourish with the right person, when the time is right.


Great things come to those who wait.


For those in relationships:


It took time to get where you are now:

...To get to know your partner

... To iron out the creases of your connection

... To understand the way their body responds to your touch

... To be able to foresee their reactions to x or y


... It was worth it, wasn't it? All this time you spent with them to explore their beautiful soul.


You've learnt & grown together, and can continue to do so. If you're going through a difficult patch right now and you're wanting it to improve, remember everything is transient. Time will pass and things will improve and fluctuate as they naturally do.


Keep working at it and it will pay off.


Day 10 - Boundaries


Sharing ourselves with another being is a beautiful process, but an important part of navigating life & relationships is to have appropriate boundaries; to safeguard & nurture ourselves.

Although openness with your partner is important, we all still need privacy as human beings - it's part of our basic needs.

Boundaries help us to delineate what we will and won't share with another person. They protect us and other people from harm physically, mentally and emotionally.

Creating healthy boundaries ensures that we can share love with another without becoming overly dependent on them. They help us retain our sense of identity outside of the relationship with that person, and protect us from being in situations that may trigger us (or the other) emotionally.

To start identifying some of your boundaries, ask yourself:
When have I said yes when I've wanted to say no? How can I communicate that in future?
What are some behaviours I will not stand for from my loved ones?

This is, of course, a very brief look at the topic of boundaries, as it's an expansive and complex thing. I'll be holding a workshop on this in a few months, so watch this space!


Day 11 - The Sight


Nope, not your third eye! I'm not talking about some mystical ability: I'm talking about foresight & insight.

As we grow in experience (some more pleasant than others), we learn what works & what doesn't, what leads to tears and what leads to joy. We use the power of insight to sift through the information of our past, decide what behaviours to keep engaging in & what to leave behind or amend.

This is a very useful skill to harness, especially when we're just getting to know someone.

The more time we spend with them, the more information we can gather about what makes them tick, what turns them on, what turns them off & what is an absolute no-go zone.

With those things in mind, we can use the power of foresight to imagine how said person would react to a situation, and we can use this info to avoid upsetting them and also to create scenarios that make them feel loved, safe & cared for.

In other words, we can become more considerate and loving. Woohoo! 💖


👀 Important side note 👀
Be aware that some people misuse the information they get. Don't be that person. Manipulation does not get you genuine, unconditional love (which is what all humans actually seek, below all of our many façades). If you feel you're prone to this, seek the help of a therapist, who will lovingly guide you towards healing.
Pls get in touch if you feel you're being manipulated. I will happily point you to good charities/websites/etc!


Day 12 - Love


🎼 Love, love, is a verb, love is a doing word⠀

Loving others is an action. You can sing someone's high praises & tell them you love them everyday, but if you don't act accordingly then it counts for nothing.⠀

To love means to have someone's best interest at heart and to act accordingly. To wish them happiness regardless of whether or not you're part of the picture... Which is not always easy.⠀

The thing is, most of us have learnt how to show love from our parents & caregivers (and they, in turn, have learnt from theirs & so on) - but this love is often dysfunctional, conditional and sometimes it isn't present at all.⠀

Learning to love fully & fearlessly is difficult when we didn't have healthy role models and the narrative of what love is in the media is skewed.


Most media tells us love is obsessive, possessive, *just* passionate (otherwise it means you've 'fallen out of love') and it perpetuates stereotypical gender roles which limit our natural capacity to express ourselves & just be.⠀

... But that's ok. We're all in this journey of unlearning & re-learning together. It takes time.⠀

Loving means making mistakes & working through them. It means forgiveness, compassion, patience, resilience...⠀

In order to give love to someone, though, it must first come from within. As they say: you can't pour from an empty cup.⠀

This is the premise of Loving with the Lights On's coaching and workshops. Learning to first love ourselves & then how to love others in a healthy way; creating more harmony & peace in our world.

Come & join me on this journey 💖




Have any of these resonated or helped you in any way? Have they sparked some interesting thoughts?


Let me know by tweeting @sarahadefehinti or slide into my DMs 👀



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