Why 'Loving with the Lights On'?

July 18, 2017

"A Barry White song"

"Cheesy 70s porn"
"A lack of a dimmer switch"

"Not running away from that girl from at the school disco like I actually did"



Those are just some of the more hilarious responses I got when sharing my workshops' potential name. Trusting my intuition, I decided to go for it anyway and I'm super glad I did, as it encapsulates how I want people to relate to each other both in and out of the bedroom.



So what does the name 'Loving with the Lights On' mean for me? 

  • It means witnessing your partners* fully: embracing and accepting their entire being in all areas of life.

  • It means having no unspoken expectations, fears, intentions or desires in a relationship (regardless of its setup).

  • It means seeing yourself fully, accepting and loving yourself for who you really are - your entire body, your perceived imperfections, your light and your darkness, your joys and pain and sadness and power - and, in loving yourself so, sharing that unapologetically with the precious humans around you.

  • It means wide awake conscious, co-created sexual experiences: no more routine, habitual, unsatisfying encounters.

  • It means learning to recognise, express and honour your emotions (and, through this practice, also cultivating empathy for others).


We must tune into our experience as humans and understand ourselves fully before we're able to truly share ourselves with another. Otherwise, we will be unable to communicate properly and find blockages to connecting to others.


For example, our partner or lover may say something that mirrors a horrible past experience. As a reaction, we get angry and defensive - at this point, though, we don't know exactly why (because we haven't worked on understanding ourselves) so we're unable to explain the trigger to our partner... So we just push them away and leave them confused and feeling rejected. This may either be the end of the relationship or it may repeat several times in this relationship and others.

If we take time to get to know ourselves first, including our desires and blockages, we'll be better equipped to have loving, communicative, conscious relationships with others. Most importantly, we'll have a beautiful long lasting, loving relationship with ourselves - which means we can achieve anything we put our mind to.


The Loving with the Lights On workshops aim towards an ultimate goal: the emancipation of the human soul through sexual liberation... Except they aim to do this in accessible, bite size chunks. Since everyone is different and has had completely different experiences from everyone else, I highlight the importance of knowing ourselves first and foremost (instead of diving straight into deconstructing sex, for example), whilst picking away at the myths, limiting beliefs and conditioning imposed on us by society.


These workshops aren't just for people in relationships or who are having sex, and they're definitely not just for people planning to have lovers/partners. They are not classes, either - they're workshops where you're given the time and space to explore and learn more about yourself. That's why the focus is on introspection, even though there will be guidance.


Are you ready? Come and find out how to turn on your switch 💡

* When I talk about 'love', I speak of it in the all-encompassing, nurturing, caring feeling that it is (which manifests itself in all sorts of ways) - I definitely don't mean the Hollywood definition of love†.

When I say 'relationship', I just mean a connection between you and another human being. In the same way, when I speak of 'partners' or 'lovers', I don't necessarily mean people who you're in a committed or arranged relationship with - just someone you're involved with romantically or sexually, whether that's for a second or a lifetime.


† which will be discussed in a future blog post because there's SO much wrong with the representation of  love in the media.

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© 2017 - 2019 Sarah Adefehinti